Where I Belong

I've been in Princeton a week now.  It beautiful.  Lavish.  It's a town covering in spacious parks, secluded shops and a collection of the most gorgeous buildings I have ever seen. It has this feel about it: an almost mystical feeling as you walk down each and every street and inhale the history and grandeur of such a place.  Towers and arches whose detail could captivate the imagination for hours with courtyards dotted with copper-green statues memorializing figures that one read about in their textbooks. Two hours ago I stood in the front lawn of the last residence of Albert Einstein, the wizard of Princeton who for years walked the campus and honored the grounds which he wended upon with his sheer brilliance.  Princeton is the most captivating and engaging place I have ever lived.

But am I home? No.  Not even close.  In fact, it's lonely.

I'm not one who tries to be needy, and in fact, more often than not I try to avoid such labels.  I'm usually a pretty independent person who trusts that God's plan is surely much more sufficient than my own, so following Him is the path I must go, for His good and thus my own.  However, though I feel like I'm supposed to be here, there's a part of me which longs for something nothing here can satisfy.

I miss her.

I miss her so much.  I know I'm normally more philosophical when I write but right now I can't help but miss and miss heavily.  Princeton is great: I fit right in here well with new acquaintances, brilliant minds always equipped for deep discussion,and the most beautiful surroundings I could ever ask for.  But it's not home.  It's not her.

I miss her.  I miss her arms.  I miss her smell.  I sit alone in my room and wonder what she's doing.  I slouch during long, mandatory orientation lectures and wish I could pick up my phone and call her.  I stare at her picture and wish it was her I was staring at.  I pause at the smell of every cup of hot chocolate and smile sadly whenever i see the beauties of this place because every time I see them, I know she'd love it too.

In fact, I can barely enjoy this place without her.  I've realized that she's different. Why?  Because I have never felt so empty without someone.  So unfulfilled without someone to share the little things with.  I ache to speak with her without a cloud of loneliness drudging overhead.  I'd do anything to hear her laugh right next to me.

She's my home.  She's where i belong.  I've been brought to Princeton for a reason, and I know this is where I'm supposed to be.  But I know she's supposed to be here too, and until that moment is fulfilled, I feel like all of this will seem shallow, empty, whimsically light compared to the gravity of my longing to be with her.

How love changes everything.  Yet, for how much I miss her and wish I was in her arms, I wouldn't wish not to miss her because for how much it hurts for how lonely every night and every day can be, the pain makes me realize how blessed I am to have her at all.  How blessed I am to anticipate the day when everything is fulfilled, when her presence is felt morning by morning, and when her kiss can be what I wake and sleep too; forever. 

Isn't this what our anticipation for God's coming kingdom should look like?  An ache for the future hope of Christ coming to have communion and relationship with us?  In the midst of a world of pain and suffering we work, we play, and we mourn.  And we loath the painful times.  We loath the death, destruction, and emptiness and long for a moment of healing in a dark world.  But we have hope, for a day is coming when Christ shall come like a bridegroom (Matthew 25:1-13) and we wait, sometimes heavy-hearted, for Him.  The question becomes are we ready for His return?  Have we prepared ourselves for His coming? 

Our anticipation leads to action which may lead to pain, suffering, and anxiety.  However, in the midst of our suffering and in our loneliness we further realize how beautiful the day when Christ comes to heal our broken world.

And how beautiful she'll be when I can see her again, face to face.  Until now, I'll long for Christ's kingdom and long for her presence in this place.

Love.

I miss you Hana

B.